I'm sitting here with puffy red eyes, a pounding headache, and a
grumbling stomach. I am so tired you guys. Beyond the fact that its 11pm, I am
down right drained. Mentally and physically I’m not quite sure that I can
handle anymore. Tapped out. At my max. Someone hit this girl’s release valve
before she pops.
Do you know your own worth? Do you demand that people treat you with the
respect that you deserve? Because as these days keep passing by me, I am
realizing that I do not. I do not have enough respect for myself. I do not
demand that people treat me as I should be treated. I am a giver, I give and I
give and I give some more until I have nothing left and have exhausted myself both mentally and physically.
So many things have happened in my life this week. I thought a lot about
not saying anything about this, but I have decided to let go of my pride and
just get it off my chest. I was fired from my job on Monday. Yes, my brand new
Jake from State Farm job. Canned. First time in my entire life that I have been
fired. What a horrendous feeling! The thing about it all was that I had it in
my mind to quit. I sat at my desk that very morning on my phone searching for
jobs because I just knew that where I was at wasn’t where I was supposed to be.
I was unsure of what that meant or how I would get somewhere else, but I knew
that wasn’t it. I won’t go on with the ridiculous details; It was a bad
situation, I wasn’t given the expectations that were expected of me, nor given
the support and training I needed to succeed. That’s the bottom line. And
clearly they felt some sort of way about me as well, and beat me to the chase.
I could have sat there and said my choice words when I asked him why and
was refused an answer beyond “because it’s just not working out”, I could have
cussed him out, I could have explained how I felt as if everything they were
doing was wrong. At the end of the day it wouldn’t have mattered. If my opinion
mattered to them I wouldn’t have been in the position I was, in that chair
getting told I was being “terminated effective immediately”. Not to mention I
was getting teary eyed and the last thing they deserved was to see me that way.
So I am scared, I am worried, I am a mother and a student, and someone
depends on me. I’ve never been in a position where I was suddenly fired and no
idea what my next move was going to be. The past couple days have been sort of
odd. I had an interview today with a great career path opportunity and I’m just
really stuck trying to figure out what exactly I want. I know I want to help
people, I know I want to inspire people, I know I want to make a difference. At
some point I want that to be directly through ministry, but my goal right now
is to get the school for nursing. Nursing is the hard road, it’s the road where
I am now stuck looking for a part time job that I can work a few days during
the week and still manage to support my son and move forward with other adult
things with my life. I could drop this idea. I could drop back out of school
and go down this other career path and make a fortune, but what is my goal?
Where do I want to be? What will I get the most fulfillment doing? Because yes,
I believe that a job doesn’t have to be just a job. You can in fact love what
you do and have days where they aren’t as good as others.
That’s the one side to my life this week. And then… well things got real
sticky in another area of my life today. I’ll spare the details. They aren’t worth
whining and moaning over to you all. But I am so utterly sad. I’m angry. I’m disappointed.
I feel disrespected. And in the midst of all this pain and anguish came a
seriously great friend. She has said so many things to me this evening that
just blew the socks off my feet. (Not literally, but dang would that have been
cool. I’m picturing a cartoon with her hair standing straight up and her socks
flying across the room. It’s whatever) Regardless of how literal the socks
blowing off was or not, I sobbed. I sobbed so hard listening to some of the
light that was shed.
“Emily, you are a great person. You are my friend. I care about you. You
have to know what you deserve. You have to know what are your limits. You have
to make your limits known. You have to expect that respect. You don’t have to
give any of yourself to people who don’t deserve it. You’re an adult now, you can
kick the people who don’t deserve to be around out. You didn’t have a choice
as a child, but you do now. You get to set your expectations, you get to say what you demand out of respect in friendships and relationships, and you get to get rid of anyone who’s not
giving that to you.”
I mean, not all word for word. But that was the context and dang near
exact. And it hit me. It pulled so hard on my heart strings. Do you know how
sad it is? How sad it is that I am always in every relationship, friendship etc…
ALWAYS giving 110%. I am always clinging on, I am always reaching out, I am
always asking for love and attention. And it breaks my heart in a way. I didn’t
grow up surrounded by the most loving people. And this is going to really
offend some if so chosen to read this. But that’s the truth. I was failed in
many ways but the majority of the adults in my life during my entire childhood.
Everyone always left. Everyone always gave up. Nobody stuck around to help me
learn and grow as a child should have or guided with the LOVE that should be offered
to them. And because of that I find myself always holding on. And tonight the
reality was put into such simple words. I am an adult now. I do not have to
keep people who don’t treat me right in my life. I get to choose who I devote
my love and my attention towards. If you’re not a good friend to me, you shouldn’t
be in my life, if you aren’t a good “companion” to me then you definitely shouldn’t
be in my life.
It is time that I begin to have expectations of those I surround myself
with. Today I was blind-sided and once
again left feeling very sad and broken. That is just ridiculous. I am a good
person and I deserve to be treated the same way I treat others. It goes right
back to the basics. Elementary school basics. Treat others how you want them to
treat you.
My faith in God has been tested since literally hours after I was
baptized in August. But I was reminded that is often the case. Some think that
you get baptized and suddenly everything you touch turns to gold and everyone
around you has a cute little halo above their heads. Well that’s wrong. I have
been tested time and time again in this past month and a half. I’m stating here
and now that I won’t back down. I won’t give up on my Jesus dude. I know God
will never give up on me. I have survived some wicked things growing up and
thus again and again since. It’s for a reason dag-nabbit. I’m going to figure
that out. I will continue to search out my calling through the Lord.
I don’t know your story. And you don’t yet know all of mine. But I would
love to listen. And I would love to share. If you need me, I’m here.
“God doesn’t call the qualified, he qualifies the called” –Sonny Smith
*I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the
glory that will be revealed in us. –Romans 8|18
