I was going
to wait until tomorrow. I was going to go on an adventure and take some time to
clear my mind. Take some time to spend somewhere far from where I call home and
talk to God. I was also going to finish my Biology paper first…
My name is
Emily and I’m addicted to sharing my feelings.
You guys I
am a serious ball of anxiety lately. I don’t know what your personal experience
is with anxiety. Or if you even have an experience with it; if not, then I
seriously envy you. My anxiety is debilitating. My heart is stuck on fast mode,
it beats so quickly and powerfully that I can barely breath. I get very short
of breath, so having any sort of real conversation is beyond out of the
question. It feels as if there are hundred pound bags of sand sitting on my
chest. Every now and then I take big long deep breaths to try and feel as if
I’m getting an actual breath. I get that little ball of “I think I might puke”
in the back of my throat, my stomach twists and turns… And then there is this
feeling in my neck, it’s like the feeling you get when you see something really
really disgusting. All I want to do is scrunch up my shoulders and roll my neck
around in circles. I could keep going, but I’m hoping you get the point.
I’ve been
watching the show Shameless on Netflix. I can’t explain how many feelings it
has brought up for me. I’m sure over time you will all learn the dirty details
of my childhood if you don’t already know. And if not on here, I intend on
writing a book… been working on it off and on for years (I assure you it will
cause World War III). Regardless, something I heard on the show tonight made me
stop and rewind just to hear it again.
Cascading Failures. Like when a plane goes
down. It’s never just one thing that causes it. It’s a chain reaction.
If that doesn’t
just explain my life in a couple of sentences. Like woah dang. One of my
dearest bestest friends always has told me it blows her mind how extreme things
happen in my life. There’s never just one problem. It’s always one thing after
another, “My boyfriend cheated on me, we broke up, I couldn’t stop crying at
work, I actually quit my job today, and on my way home my car broke down. When
I got home there was an eviction notice. Oh and my son is sick”. That was a
total made up example… to a degree. HA Point is that’s usually something
along the sounds of my life. And then she speaks of the other end, how I have
this weird sort of luck to always have things land back in my lap to fix it all
up. She also says she’s never met someone who has tried so many different things,
FAILED MISERABLY so many times, and still got up to keep going and try the next
thing.
That just
sounded like a real horn toot on my end for a second. TOOT TOOT! I quite often
fail to stop and realize the accomplishments I’ve actually made. I tend to look
around at others my age and undermine myself. You all should check out they've people I graduated from high school with! I love creeping through social media
and seeing all of the wonderful life milestones they hit. College graduation,
engagement, marriage, babies… typical growing up stuff. It makes my heart so
full for them, and so empty for myself. Sometimes it is important to quit with
the pity party. My life didn’t go as planned, yes I made a choice to be a young
mother, yes at almost 27 years old I’m only in my third semester of community
college, yes I have moved too many times, yes I’m still unwed and trying like
heck to just stay afloat most days…
But this is
my life. And Grant was a blessing like none other. And college is better late
than never. I didn’t exactly have great role models growing up, and a lot of
the adults in my life failed me, but I will take responsibility for my choices
in life. I will wear them proudly; now I am a young mother to a handsome little
one. I work full time, I’m in school, I care about my health, I am raising a 2nd
grade boy who is playing soccer this year, and of course I am doing my best to
be more and more involved at my church and grow closer to God everyday. There
is something to be said for all that. This is YOUR life and YOUR story, don’t
sell yourself short. Be happy for those around you doing well. Be happy for
those around you who are working to do better. Be happy for yourself and the
journey you have taken to get to where you are today. If you don’t like today,
fix it for tomorrow.
The other
night a friend and I were chatting about how many people have reached out about
this blog, and he said “Can you imagine if you go back in time and tell the
four-year-old Emily ‘everything is going to be just fine. We are going to
inspire people with this story one day.’ It's crazy to think about” I instantly
started to cry uncontrollably in bed. I literally pictured just that. Being
able to go and tell that little girl that it would be ok, because someday we
were going to find God. And someday he was going to show us that he has been
there all along, and he will open your eyes to the fact that he has kept your
nose above water all these years for a reason. And it was going to reach other
people, inspire them, touch their lives and hearts. Maybe just for a moment or
maybe for the rest of their own lives.
I don’t know
your story, and some of you don’t yet know mine. I need you to know I’m here
for you. That Jesus dude… he’s there for you. I might have just rambled
aimlessly again… I’m trying to work on organizing my thoughts more for you all,
but I’m really very terrible at that. It’s whatever though right?
If you need
me. I’m here.
“Casting all your anxieties on Him, because he cares for you.” -1 Peter
5:7
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